Valentine's Day rituals

I enjoy making rituals for myself around specific holidays -- ways to celebrate them that are less materialistic, and more focused on the things that I personally get out of those holidays.

This year I think I've hit on a good formula for Valentine's Day that helps me feel closer to friends and family.

Friends and family

I send out cards to people I care about, and write each one a personal note. Words are a big love language for me, so this feels good.

This is a good opportunity for me to get out all the compliments I usually feel too awkward to say, like "I think you have a really good sense of style" or "I appreciated it when you hung out with me that time."

The important part of this, for me, is giving myself permission to only send these to people who I have something to say to. I start by making a list of people I actively want to send them to -- and then if, when I come to writing the note, I can't think of anything to say, or don't really want to say something nice to them, I just don't.

This means leaving out some of the extended family I'm not as close with, and friends who I've been feeling distant from lately, and in-laws*. But it also means that I can do this without completely hating it.

And I also give myself permission for the notes to be not that good -- they don't have to summarize everything I like about the person, or wrap up our entire relationship, or convey the exact depth of feeling that I have or don't have for them. They just need to say something nice. "Happy Valentine's Day, I like your outfits, thanks for being my friend." That can be it.

Last year I wanted to do this, but didn't plan ahead enough to buy and mail out cards. So I just sent out emails. It felt great. Lots of people responded positively. If you can't spare your whole ass, half-assing it will do.

Spouse

My spouse and I had a really nice time with a little half-planned ritual at home.

Beforehand, we wrote Valentine's Day notes to each other -- a little more sappy and personal than the cards that I sent out to everyone.

We prepped ingredients for a fancy meal the night before (marinated steak, chopped vegetables and potatoes). Then the night of, we set up a nice tablecloth, lighting, background music**, and cooked the meal.

We sat down together and read the notes.

Then we ate the fancy food, and relaxed.

Frugality and self-sufficiency are important values for both of us; it felt better for us to do this at home than at a restaurant. It was good to make something together as part of it.

And words are important to me, but my spouse sometimes has trouble with them on the spot, so having time beforehand to think about it made things easier on him.

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I'm really happy with how things went overall. It was a great time for me to reach out and reconnect with the people in my life, in a way that's a little less awkward than just saying "I like you" at any other time in the year.

* And boy are there some interesting expectations wrapped up in the idea that I should manage correspondence with my husband's family.

** I've been particularly partial to "chillwave" on YouTube lately.