In My Culture

[Sort of a response to In My Culture (Duncan Sabien); see also In My Culture (Ozy Frantz). Yes, this is belated; this draft has been sitting around for a while.]

The phrase "in my culture" has been making the rounds of the rationalist blogosphere. While I'm not sure if I like the phrase itself, I think it is very helpful to express something like "the way I interact with other people follows certain etiquette rules; I wish and hope that others follow the same set of rules, while recognizing that they usually don't."

My personal social circles are such that almost no one I know is actually "in my culture" in this sense -- some of it's personality or preference based, some of it comes from where I was raised -- and, to be honest, this makes me kind of sad.

But I'm hopeful that by writing this, I can express some of the things that are important to me in social interaction. Maybe some of you who have been confused by my behavior will be able to understand it better with this guide.

Touch

In my culture, you do not touch strangers.

Tapping someone on the shoulder to get their attention for something of vital importance is  grudgingly allowed (for example: "I think you dropped this"; "You need to get off the bus now, it's the last stop."). You must be careful not to touch them in any other area or for more time than necessary. Waving is preferred, if it will work. Speaking is best, if it will work.

Sitting next to someone, so close that you are touching them, is permitted when you have no other choice, such as on a train or at a bus stop where there are no other seats available. It is rude to sit next to someone on a train if there are other seats nearby: for example, if there are three empty seats and they are sitting on the end, you should sit on the other end. It is somewhat rude to take the middle of three seats, because this forces the next person who arrives to sit next to you.

"Strangers" here means someone whose name you do not know, who you may never speak to again, and with whom your interaction is brief. The rules are somewhat different for people you have not met before, but with whom you share a social milieu; for example, someone you meet at a party, during a class you are both taking, or at a community center. In those cases, it is permitted to engage in light or brief touch, but it may be construed as an escalation of the relationship (depending on context). Such escalations may be rejected, at which point you must stop the behavior.

Interaction with friends

In my culture, there are three basic modes of expressing affection.

One is basically small talk. In this category, I include platitudes and plausibly-deniable compliments, which may or may not have real feeling accompanying them. For example: "It's good to see you. Thanks for coming." "I like your dress." "How is work going these days?" "What's new with you?" "Things are going pretty well, I just got a promotion." "Ups and downs, it's been a little tough lately."  The plausibly-deniable nature of these phrases is a feature, not a bug; it provides a way for everyone to save face if one person determines that they don't want to take the relationship further.

In this mode, one is expected to minimize negative emotions and steer the conversation away from difficult topics. Your conversational partner should watch for these cues, and help steer away from such topics; it is very rude for them to pry further at anything you have indicated is difficult, or that you might not want to talk about. It is, however, acceptable to discuss difficult topics, if you want to and you're able to do so while controlling your emotions.

This mode is appropriate for people one has just met, or that one is moderately friends with, or one's parents. When deployed with close friends, it is somewhat distancing ("I don't want to have a real conversation with you right now") or may indicate that others are present, with whom you don't want to be as vulnerable.

The second mode is affectionate sniping. This is only appropriate for people one knows well, in part because of the possibility of causing inadvertent harm by taking it too far. When employing this mode with new friends, it is of paramount importance to carefully monitor the other person's reaction and stop if it's negative. Not stopping when the other person wants you to can cause permanent harm to the relationship.

This is the mode that I use most, because it is easy and comfortable; it shows affection via countersignalling and because it shows that you know the other person well enough to mock them without touching any real weak points. But it's also not deep intimacy, which takes a lot of effort to maintain.

The third mode is genuine and unfakeable tenderness. This is mostly reserved for romantic partners, but is acceptable with extremely close family or friends. This includes things like: saying "I love you" or "you're cute" or other contentless compliments; casual touch on the arm or back; cuddling; (most) kissing; hugging outside the context of a scripted interaction (like saying hello or goodbye).

This mode expresses intimacy not only with the person you're doing it with, but also with everyone who is present. It expresses a degree of vulnerability to witnesses, because you're displaying genuine and unfakeable emotions in front of them. This is sometimes okay to do even with people you're not close with, for a few reasons: you're particularly madly in love and everyone knows it; it's your wedding day or another party; or if you're in a partnership that's legible to the people around you (such as marriage) and you limit the affection to brief and mild expressions. But, it is somewhat rude to do this in front of distant acquaintances without a good reason, because of the intimacy it compels from witnesses.

It is acceptable to use this mode of affection in front of strangers in public, because they are expected to ignore your existence; it is therefore not an imposition on them.

(It is, however, very rude to engage in sexual behavior in front of strangers as well as distant acquaintances. To give you an idea of the cutoff I have in mind, "sexual behavior" includes e.g. kissing in which onlookers can see your tongue, or engaging in fetishes in a way that bystanders can detect.)

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In general, it is a breach of trust and etiquette to attempt to use a much higher level of intimacy than your relationship warrants.

Expressing tenderness with someone you have just met, if unwanted, is shockingly rude. Even if it is wanted, it's a concerning level of relationship escalation. Existing friends and family might be concerned if you start engaging in it with a stranger -- or they might assume that the relationship must be mostly sexual in nature.

Affectionate sniping with someone you don't know well enough is also extremely rude. It's especially bad if you manage to actually offend them. Usually it's safest to start doing this with relatively safe topics (teasing someone about their taste in food, for example), and slowly move to other topics as you get to know them better.

Interaction with strangers

In my culture, there is no need to greet a stranger you see on the street. The most convenient expedient is to avoid eye contact and pretend they are not there. A brief smile or nod is also appropriate, if desired.

Engaging them in conversation is [mumblemumble] -- I have mixed feelings about this, because I hate making conversation with strangers, but have sometimes enjoyed it when they do the reverse. At the very least, you should be ready to drop the conversation entirely at the slightest sign of discomfort from the other party.

I occasionally feel bad about this and worry that people on the street think I'm rude when I'm not fully reciprocating their greetings. I slightly wish this didn't happen.

Negotiation

"Negotiation" here means a situation where two parties who otherwise like each other have a conflict of material interests. For example: "how do we divide the rent?" "What chores will we each do?" "How much money should I pay you for this good or service?"

In these situations, it is generally rude to try to play on the other person's emotions to convince them one way or the other. You should instead disclose your conflicts of interest upfront, state simply and clearly what you would like to have happen, even if it sucks for the other party, while recognizing that the other party likely wants something different. If all goes well, you will reach an agreement that is a reasonable compromise for both.

If possible, you should instead propose a solution that is compatible with both parties' interests, even if it is somewhat more costly to yourself.

Requests and invitations

If someone invites you to something, you don't have to go if you don't want to. However, it is rude for you to say "No, I don't want to"; it is better to provide an excuse or at least the-absence-of-an-excuse, e.g. "Sorry, I won't be available that day." It is extremely rude for the inviter to demand a real reason if you have deliberately not given one.